Pregnancy is typically a time filled with celebration, joy, and eager expectation of your little one’s arrival. During pregnancy, there are milestones you look forward to: the first time you hear your baby’s heartbeat, seeing that tiny little face on an ultrasound, a gender reveal party, a baby shower thrown by loved ones, and the first time you get to finally hold your bundle of joy in your arms. And throughout these special moments, you can’t wait to be able to share them with you partner or spouse, other children, friends, and family members. But with the arrival of the coronavirus a few months ago, those of us who are pregnant found that our expectations for many of these milestones seemed to shatter around us.
When I gave birth to my son, we lived on the island of Maui, thousands of miles away from any of our family and close friends. The people I had always envisioned being present during a pregnancy were not able to be with us because of the distance. And many special moments of that pregnancy felt incomplete for the same reason.
When my husband and I found out we were pregnant the middle of February of this year, the chance to share in the celebrations and milestones of pregnancy were at the forefront of my mind. We were excited to announce the news in person during our families’ spring trips to visit us. We anticipated being able to have my husband present for certain milestone doctor appointments. And we envisioned our son getting to come to the hospital to meet his new sibling for the first time. But with the implementation of stay-at-home orders and social distancing due to COVID-19, all those plans, and more, became distant dreams rather than anticipated realities. “I really thought this pregnancy was going to be different,” I’ve found myself saying through tears the last few months, and I know I’m not the only pregnant woman feeling this way.
The profound grief over the losses of the expectations and experiences you anticipated having in your pregnancy is real. While it is easy for other people to say that a healthy baby is the only thing that matters, and yes, ultimately that’s true, you are still allowed to be sad. The time of pregnancy is such a unique, sacred, and special experience, and it is okay to grieve over the loss of the dreams you had for your pregnancy.
Unfortunately, there are experiences you are losing from this pandemic that you will never get back, and that can create feelings of loss. While those losses are real, your experiences of grief don’t have to be the defining markers of your pregnancy. Here are five ways to cope with your grief while pregnant during COVID-19.
Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
It is so easy for that inner critic to try and shout “You shouldn’t feel this way! Just get over it!” But trying to rush through or ignore your feelings of loss will not help you in the long run. Instead, give yourself permission to feel your grief. Identify the experiences or moments you were looking forward to and anticipated with your pregnancy that you will now not be able to have in the same way. It is okay to feel these losses and want to take back control of things you don’t currently have power over. So, instead of pretending like you’re okay with not getting to have your baby shower the way you had hoped, or having your family waiting at the hospital for the delivery, acknowledge your feelings over not being able to have those experiences and offer yourself some compassion for your grief.
Loosen Your Grip on Your Expectations
It’s completely normal to have certain expectations and plans for how you want your pregnancy to go, not to mention the delivery of your baby! When I had my son, we worked with a doula who helped us develop our “birth preferences” rather than our “birth plan.” When we go into any experience with a specific plan, we create specific expectations of how that plan is “supposed to go” and how we want it to turn out. But as much as we want control in how our labor goes, the reality is we are not in control of how our body responds in the birth process. And just as you have little control over how labor turns out, you have very little control over the impact this pandemic is having on your pregnancy. So, while you may have had specific plans for this pregnancy, try gently unclenching your fists from around those plans, and instead loosely hold them in open hands. Acknowledge that while these plans may be what you had hoped for, you’re opening yourself up to being more flexible in how those plans might turn out.
Ask Other People For Support
Pregnancy is a time that is usually filled with other people wanting to know how they can help and support you. And even though we may not be able to physically be present with the people who would normally just show up at our door without hesitation, it is okay to say, “Hey, I could really use your help.” You might hesitate to ask other people for specific help right now since literally everyone is going through the coronavirus pandemic, but you’d be surprised by how many people still want to help in whatever way they can. Maybe you’re too exhausted to run to the grocery store, need someone to stay with your kids so you can go to a doctor’s appointment, or just need someone to listen to you. Your friends and family still want to help you! But they may not know how best to support you during this unprecedented time, so do not feel guilty for advocating for your needs by reaching out to them.
Talk About How This Isn’t What You Expected
I guarantee that being pregnant during a global pandemic was nothing you ever envisioned for yourself. Give yourself permission to share with your partner, family, and friends how you feel about this time. Allow yourself to express your frustration, sadness, disappointment, anger, fear, grief, or whatever emotions arise for you throughout this time. Keeping those thoughts and feelings to yourself might be tempting, but I encourage you to be open and share these emotions with those who care about you. Allowing yourself to share these feelings can be a form of release and gives you the ability to name what you are experiencing, and for others to be aware of your struggles.
Talk With a Professional
Be open with your OB-GYN or midwife if you find yourself continuing to have a hard time with the grief you’re experiencing during this time. She wants to be able to support you in your pregnancy and delivery, and she understands the impact that stress can have on you and your baby during your pregnancy. At your next appointment, bring up how you had hoped your pregnancy and delivery would go, and the sadness you’re feeling because of how it is turning out. Your provider may be able to make accommodations to help you get as close to those preferences as possible. In addition, Postpartum Support International has weekly online support meetings for expectant and new moms to be able to join together and process their thoughts and emotional struggles. And if you feel like maybe you’re needing more support than your doctor can give right now, don’t be afraid to reach out to a therapist or counselor. Working through the grief you’re experiencing during your pregnancy may help you be more prepared for the birth and lower your chances of postpartum anxiety or depression.
This certainly isn’t the world you expected to bring your little one into, and I’m right there in sharing that feeling with you! But if you are able to use some of these coping tools to work through your grief, you may begin to find relief from the sadness and be able to enjoy this special and sacred time as you eagerly await the arrival of your little one.
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I offer online therapy services for women living in Louisiana, Hawaii, and Colorado. My telehealth services include individual counseling for women, online anxiety counseling, online therapy for grief and loss, online depression treatment, online counseling for military spouses, online therapy for moms, and online trauma therapy for women. Reach out to me and learn more about the ways I can help you as you prepare to bring a new life into the world during a pandemic.