As a mom, I know you’ve had a situation like this:
It’s been a crazy busy weekend. Between trying to get the house cleaned up and running kiddos around to soccer games and birthday parties, you’re exhausted by the time Sunday night rolls around. When Monday morning comes, you’re tired and just trying to inhale enough caffeine to get you through the day while also making sure that everyone has all the things they need to head out the door to daycare and school.
But, as you roll up to the carpool drop-off line, you see, one by one, kids getting out of cars dressed like little old people, and for a moment you’re super confused, but then it hits you – today was the 100th day of school and your child was supposed to dress up for it!
Instead, your child is wearing their same favorite sweatshirt and pants they always insist on, and when they see all their friends dressed up, they get upset because they realize they don’t have a costume. And as you usher them into the building and reassure them that it will be okay, that feeling you know all too well hits you like a ton of bricks: “mom guilt.”
The phrase “mom guilt” is one that has become commonplace among friends and in our greater culture.
A friend can say, “I experienced mom guilt when…” and we immediately know the feelings she is describing. Yet, I hate the phrase. In fact, I think I’d say I’m “anti-mom-guilt.”
Guilt is defined as “the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.” When someone either pleads guilty or is declared guilty in a court of law, it means that they have admitted to or have been found at fault for the situation in question. It is because they did something bad or wrong that they now have been declared guilty.
Mothers and Guilt
When I hear moms say, “I feel so guilty,” it often is used in a way that puts blame and fault on themselves for the situation at hand. Yet, what I often see is that guilt around the situation becomes internalized into really negative self-talk, such as “I did something wrong. I am bad. I am a bad mom.”
So many moms expect perfection of themselves (e.g., ALWAYS remembering EVERYTHING), that when a mistake is made (“I forgot it was the 100th day!”), it feels like a devastating failure. The assumption of guilt translates into “Oh my gosh, I truly screwed this up and therefore I AM a big screw-up.” We begin to beat ourselves up over every little thing and we believe that we are “bad.”
So how do we make a shift away from the term “mom guilt”?
When I listen to moms use that term (myself included), the message I think they are getting at is “I feel sad that…” or “I feel sorry that….” Using the example of forgetting the 100th day, if instead of saying, “I feel so guilty that I forgot my kids were supposed to dress up today,” we shift to “I feel sad that my kids won’t be dressed up like the rest of the class today.” Making the shift in our language away from guilt and toward other feelings or emotions helps to remove ownership of our kids’ emotional experiences.
Practicing Self-Compassion in Motherhood
Motherhood is hard, like really hard. And parenting in the time of a global pandemic is a whole other level of stress and difficulty. We aren’t going to always get it right. Rather than heaping guilt on yourself, almost as a form of self-punishment, try approaching yourself with a sense of self-compassion.
If a friend was telling you the same story about forgetting it was the 100th day, what would you say to her? Would you tell her she’s a failure for forgetting to get her kid in costume for the day and that she should feel guilty for not remembering? Or would you approach her with compassion and remind her that she has been juggling many balls and you know she’s doing her absolute best right now? Would you acknowledge her frustration but also remind her that her kid is resilient and will be okay? Would you approach her with judgment and shame, or support and care?
We Need to Treat Ourselves Like We Treat Our Friends!
In the same way that you would approach a friend, try approaching yourself with that same compassion. Remind yourself that you are doing the absolute best that you can right now and that perfection is a myth.
You are not a bad mom for making mistakes. Let go of the guilt and allow yourself some grace because this motherhood thing is hard!
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